That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
