You made me cry and you don't even care
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
