Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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