dude i'm inner monologue high
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
