her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
