her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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