I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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