I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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