so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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