Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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