so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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