i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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