I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
