Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
