My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
