If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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