I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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