My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
