Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
