Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
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