Just fell off a train. Bad.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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