just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
