I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my being single is dangerous.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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