i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
