tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
