So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
