If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
