i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Every concussion has its silver lining
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
