I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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