God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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