Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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