Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Drunk is not a location!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
