you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
