omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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