the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
