I think I just saw someone hide a body.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
