imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
40s are totally the cure
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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