Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
