Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
