..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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