apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
