O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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