Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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