Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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