my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
