I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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