Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
