that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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