A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
