it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
