Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
