he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
